Flirting: A personal deconstruction

flirt verb \ˈflərt\

: to behave in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously

: to think about something or become involved in something in a way that is usually not very serious

: to come close to reaching or experiencing something (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Do you flirt? Maybe you are a flirt. Flirting is fun and not meant to be literal. But sometimes it is. Depending on the flirtee’s emotional state, they may take heavy flirting as “s/he wants me”, but does it mean that person is insecure or needy, or is it that they’re reading heavy messages from you?

Last month, I meet a singer at a show who said, “I noticed you when you came in.” Our conversation continued and he invited me to his next gig the following month. The next day, he contacted me online and we had a sometimes flirty off-and-on conversation over the next few weeks. I was titillated!

When the next gig came along, he talked and hung out with me and my friend a bit, and had a wonderful performance. I remember thinking, “Awesome! I’ve got this one in the bag!” He did nothing that would make me think otherwise. I bought him a drink and he invited me to his next gig. I said we should do something before then, and he said, “I would if I was single.”

I told him to take it as a compliment and then I left.

Lots of things going on here.

1. Ethics: Why would an attached man say he noticed me when I came in?

2. Assumptions: When is it friendly conversation and when is it a come on?

a) I suppose this is where the emotional state of the flirtee comes in: people open to romantic interests may take flirting to heart and will feel like they’ve been drop-kicked across a muddy field when the flirter reveals that they’re not actually available. It’s the price we pay for allowing ourselves to become hopeful and emotionally attached to a person or idea.

b) It could be that I made an assumption about the singer’s level of interest, but  I’m really not sure of another way I could have interpreted “I noticed you when you walked in”. That would prick up any single person’s ears.

c) When do we determine when it’s relevant to mention our emotional status?  At what moment do we decide that this person is chatting us up so we can gently slip “girlfriend/wife-partner-boyfriend/husband” into the conversation to indicate our emotionally UN-availablity? A clear statement up front will set boundaries. However, some instigators of innocent conversations will roll their eyes at your assumption that you think we’re looking for more time with you.

Assuming that everybody wants you reflects the size of your ego or your insecurity, and may cause enough paranoia for you to go on the defensive just because someone speaks to you: “Back off or my boyfriend will kick your ass”. These types you’d want to back away from anyway.

3. Mixed messages: My brother, a musician himself, insists the guy was leading me on. There is a fine line between innocent flirting and leading someone to believe something that isn’t true. I have trouble understanding why anyone would consciously mess with someone emotionally like that; it seems cruel. The singer doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would pull that kind of thing; he seems honest, gentle, and down-to-earth. I’m confused.

4. Rock and roll: My buddy, Stephen, says flirting is the vernacular of the music industry; a language bred into musicians. He says there are three kinds of flirting:

• Social flirting: In public places like bars or clubs, flirting is “safe”, even for married and otherwise spoken-for men who can engage in this light, fun, social interaction. It’s about showing someone you find them interesting, attractive, and otherwise charming and that’s usually uplifting!
• Get-down flirting: A heavy, blatant prelude of good things to come.
• Marketing flirting: I know it’s only rock and roll, but PR is important. If flirting is written into the music schtick, it can certainly grab people’s attention, create a desire, keep people coming out to gigs with their friends. Stephen says the singer is more concerned with success than protecting my feelings. “It’s games people play,” he says.

Another entertainer I know says he leverages flirting for laughs in his act. “I intentionally flirt with very old women in the crowd. Women who I’d never flirt with, so it doesn’t seem too creepy.”

“Flirting makes the older lady feel kinda special but they know it’s not for real,” Matt says, “Everyone knows what’s going on for sure.”

There was a handsome personal trainer at my old gym who mostly worked with women and understood the art of marketing flirting: he held his client’s hands as they walked around the gym, he held women’s upper bodies as they lifted dumbbells, and watched his clients intently in the mirror which always caused a face-busting smile on the women who completely fell under his spell.

This kind of marketing flirting is the carrot dangling before the donkey who can never reach it; it is the kind of flirting I’ve fallen victim to. The price of the transaction was my heart and my hopes, dashed by the rock and roll machine.

This flirty experience has made me feel good, excited, and given me something to look forward to. At the same time, the flirting has made me feel like I’ve been duped, sucked in to believing that the singer was actually interested in me, and this has made me feel not only lousy, but dumb for reading the signs wrong.

Sigh.  What can I do? I’m just a vulnerable human like anyone else, but now I’ll know to wear a thicker skin.