There is certainly no place in the world like Toronto but for reasons you may not expect.
S. is a successful 39 year-old financial professional who owns his own house and car. In less than two years, he’s worked hard with a personal trainer and lost 70 pounds. One might think he’d have luck with women with all of these things going for him but after a year of clubbing, he’s still single and still looking.
R., a 35 year-old from Ireland works in construction and began dating as soon as he arrived in Toronto. He had no problems meeting women as a newcomer with a charming accent, but after three years, he describes the Toronto dating scene as “bizarre”.
Both gentlemen feel that dating in Toronto is about narcissism and feeding the ego. Those of us who live here know there is no place like it: people avoid other humans and don’t make eye contact, it is difficult to meet new people, and according to pick-up artist, Roosh V, it is the worst city in North America to meet women. (Read his 15 reasons why the city sucks for dating, and take the racially charged reason #7 with a grain of salt.)
Toronto is a large city and with large cities comes wide choices in people to get friendly with. This, combined with the vast amount of choices of people to meet in Toronto over the internet widens the net. When I internet dated, I found it very difficult to settle on one man because there were so many – possibly too many – choices. What happens if I start up with Mr. Right Now and then Mr. Right comes along? This thought caused a kind of terror and was one of the reasons I ran away from internet dating, screaming.
S. and R. want to meet women and frequent downtown clubs on weekends. S. says that women expect attention, free drinks, and ego validation, with the option to brush the guy off. They told stories of their attempts to strike up conversations with women, many of which were received with rudeness and sometimes humiliating responses. S. says that women have walked away from him, one said, “I don’t want to talk to you”, and another actually pushed him away. He told me about the time his friend went over to talk to a woman who responded by punching him in the jaw which caused his mouth to fill up with blood. There is no excuse for rudeness and certainly not for violence. A polite, “No thank you” will do.
That said, many men don’t realize that women are in a tricky social position because we are targets of male attention, desire, and sometimes aggression, and this puts us into a state of constant defensiveness. We also know that men will always want us and we usually have the choice whether to couple or not, especially if we’re good-looking. When men approach us however, we have a choice in how we handle it. Choosing a rude route, like what R. and S. experience in bars is, I believe, learned and perhaps socially encouraged, depending on your generation.
Has the internet spoiled us?
R. says that the internet is killing character and genuineness. Before internet dating and social media, people were different. Before the digital age, people were people, warts and all, and our in-person selves drew others to us within our circle of friends. Now, people edit and censor themselves and become synthetic versions of their true selves, put on display for the world to see. Younger generations born into smart phones and social media see edited versions of the world and this is a massive influence on their psyche.
Young women seem especially susceptible to digital media influence and because society is still obsessed with what women look like, the expectation to be beautiful and sexy is even more pronounced. This, and the influence of media that seems to reward and normalize bitch behaviour can create legions of women who say, Yeah, I’m all that, and you have to work for it. Many women expect attention and fancy that they could and should have the pick of the litter. In the Kardashian-styled age of the egotistic selfie and the popularity contest that is social media, we have become horribly self-absorbed and narcissistic. It really should be no surprise to men like S. who is interested in younger women that many will have an arrogant sense of themselves and feel entitled to cast men away because this is what they’ve been taught.
My friend Gail likes the term “age appropriate”. She believes that instead of going after beautiful young women in their 20s, mature men, including our gents in question, should go by the 5 year guideline: choose partners 5 years younger or older than your age and there will be much more harmony. A woman within 5 years of you will be easier to relate to, there will be far less drama, more emotionally maturity, a sense of self, and she’ll have the ability to pay her own way. In other words, there will be no princess expectations.
I proposed this idea to S. who said that he just wasn’t attracted to women his age. Well, I thought, you’re really narrowing things down for yourself – women over 40 are #$%&! awesome. Gail says that women in their 20s are not really connected to men and are quick to dump and move onto the next one. A bit flighty, I suppose, because they’re young and they can be.
The gentlemen complain that everything has to be on women’s terms and many women will string them along in-person or by texting. Something to do with the notion of having an entourage of men to keep their egos buoyant. I suppose there must be men who do the same thing, but I’ve met more women who like to show off their digital “collection” of men which to me says, “look at how popular I am and how many men want me”, and yet these women remain single. It makes me wonder what their goals are.
S. says that though the constant rejection by women was difficult in the beginning and he took women’s refusals personally, his confidence has increased and his skin is definitely thicker. With a touch of bitterness, he now takes satisfaction in rejecting women himself, to “give them a taste of their own medicine”.
Sounds like a war that no one will win.
For men tired of this treatment, S. told me about an online men’s group called MGTOW – Men Going Their Own Way, “a statement of self-ownership, where the modern man preserves and protects his own sovereignty above all else”. I completely back this empowering premise because I know how frustrated men can be with the attitude of some Toronto women, but unfortunately, the site quickly turns vile. The founder, apparently a guy in his mid-30s who works downtown, known as Sandman, is very bitter and hateful towards all women according to his videos I’ve watched. He says that men have “learned the ugly truth about female nature. Women are made out to be harmless, beautiful creatures but the truth is many women today will rip out your heart and testicles through your wallet and move onto their next victim.”
It is one thing to be frustrated and disillusioned with women, but quite another to be hateful towards the entire gender and make sweeping statements like all women being whores and liars who trick men into marriage and fatherhood so they can divorce them and collect the legal booty from courts that favour women. Sandman, remains anonymous behind his screen and slut-shames, fat-shames, and age-shames women, and complains about single (gee, can you imagine why?). Disturbingly, MGTOW has over 7000 members and his introduction video has over 100,000 views. That’s a lot of fuel for the bonfire of masculine rejection and bitterness.
Is there anyone out there?
S. has decided that the woman for him does not live in Toronto and possibly not even in Canada. He plans to travel to meet women because as he sees it, it is more financially feasible to travel and try a long-distance relationship with a genuine person instead of spending $100 a night in clubs on the weekends. This is not the first time I’ve heard this; a friend of mine passed on an online forum made up of men, sick and tired of the self-important attitude of Toronto women, who moved to or visited places like London, Ontario to meet “real” women.
“Real” women do exist in Toronto (I consider myself one) but I don’t go to clubs to meet men, and I’m not sure that a club is the best place to go to meet genuine, down-to-earth types of people. I also don’t have faith in internet dating for reasons already stated. So where does that leave us? This question I cannot answer, but what I do know is that people aren’t telling the truth. Being honest and upfront may cause initial disappointment, but ultimately, it is the best route to take. Honest and respectful communication is key; I wish more people would understand this.