My life with the fellas

It’s Christmas week and we’re all preparing for holiday time – which I want to be a part of too – so for the second last post of 2011, I’m going to refrain from getting heavy into research and instead bring you a little personal history. Why? Because people often ask me why I work with men only and this seems like a good time to share.

That's me in the middle.

Childhood

I was brought up with boys, namely, my two boy cousins, one of which was born 5 days before I was (we just had our birthdays over the last week). My cousins influenced me greatly, and when my younger brother came along, I was surrounded by boys, playing “boy” games, playing with “boy” toys, talking about “boy” things. I always had more boy friends than girl friends (still true). Consequently, this influenced my way of thinking and understanding,  and I went out of my way to be accepted by boys and try to fit in with them, and I suppose this is where my interest in males in general began.

Clothing

I can’t explain why, but I have always been fascinated with men’s clothing. During my late teens, I started understanding my build and found that men’s pants fit me better than women’s pants did (being 5’2 in the 80s, when women’s pants were high-waisted, was a recipe for disaster – pant waists went half-way up my back which made me look ridiculous).  With a simple alteration to take in the waist, I found that men’s trousers were a much better fit, giving a roomier thigh and a better fit in the rise because I am short-waisted (“rise” is the measurement from crotch to the top of the waistband). I also liked the deep pockets. I really came to appreciate the simplicity and fit of men’s clothing by wearing men’s garments.

Back in those days, I guess I was an artsy kid who stuck her nose in philosophy books and listened to the original “alternative” music that was mostly British and definitely underground. I shopped at second hand stores that had a lot of clothing from the 1960s and loved to wear men’s sport coats from that era (with the sleeves rolled up of course).

In 1986, I graduated from high school and rented a tuxedo to wear to my graduation. I made a gold sleeveless top to go under the jacket and found a black matte satin shoe with pointed toes and a low heel. Most of the girls in my class wore puffy, ruffled satin dresses to the grad – many in white for some reason. I loved my outfit, the substantial feeling of the tail coat, the smooth look of the cummerbund, and the ease of the trousers.

The same year, I got a job in the men’s department at a prominent Canadian department store. This is where I learned a tremendous amount about men’s clothing, textiles, and care of fabrics (I wonder if anyone invests in training for their staff like this anymore). I was fascinated by the items in the “men’s furnishings” department – tie clips, hankies, socks, ties, Arrow dress shirts, underwear, and robes, much more so than the women’s stuff on the upper floors.

It took a long time, but eventually I got to wearing more women’s clothing than men’s and by the late 1990s/early 2000s, I got quite girly about it. Now that I work exclusively with men, I’m veering back to my love of menswear  and having suits made at men’s tailors. I love the comfort and the ease of men’s clothing, and often wear shirts and ties with suits and heels to work.

Curious

One of the things that drives me is that I’m curious. Curious about most things, but not all things – math and hockey are the immediate examples that come to my mind. I did a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Theatre design (costume) and started doing a double major in psychology until I hit the point when I would have to take a statistics class, and I was terrified of this idea. (Now I wish I had taken that class so I could understand the statistical information in the research I look at.)

The psychology classes really opened my eyes and helped me understand the social aspect of humans. Social psychology plays a large role in the masculine research I do, explaining the influence of nurture and how it affects us. This has helped me understand the ways in which men have existed in the past, how they exist in the present, the issues that face them, how society expects them to deal with these issues, and the consequences of social imposition.

The last time I took a science class was in grade 10, which I failed and had to re-take in summer school. Other than that, I just passed my natural science class in university (I took geology for some reason), and once I got through that, I abandoned the subject for several years. Now I find myself driven to understand WHY, and I look to science, social and natural, for answers (it’s much easier to digest now that I want to understand it and can choose the way it is presented to me). Since my favourite topic is the masculine condition, I like to read about neurology and endocrinology to understand how my favourite subjects operate in the world. Looking at men from scientific and social angles helps me understand them, communicate with them, and ultimately, helps me help them.

ACT

Another thing about me is that I’m not afraid. I like to do things that have never been done before. Becoming the first woman in Canada to specialize in men’s image is certainly among my trailblazing efforts and I’m quite proud of this.

I am also proud of the work that I have done with the AIDS Committee of Toronto (ACT) , where I volunteered for several years. I had a very dear friend in the 1990s who was HIV+ and a client at ACT who introduced me to volunteer work.  I loved the experience and dove deeply into volunteering, learning about HIV and AIDS, the stigma around the illness, and the issues that gay men face. I was the first “volunteer extraordinaire” recognized by ACT in 2002, and was the first woman in the history of the agency to volunteer for gay men’s outreach program, where I helped to mold the program, trained outreach volunteers, facilitated workshops, and spent 5 years out on the front lines handing out condom and lube packages at gay bars in they gay ghetto of Toronto.

It was here that I learned something about myself. During my time in outreach, I constantly engaged men about safer sex and social issues, and I was a good listener. On so many shifts, I was humbled by men opening up to me and pouring out their feelings and experiences because, I decided, they had no one else to talk to. Evidently, this didn’t happen to any of the other volunteers in the outreach program and I understood that I had something that could help people.

One of the best things I learned at ACT was about judgement, or what it is to judge and why we shouldn’t. I learned that as humans, we judge; it’s natural to us. If we didn’t judge, we probably wouldn’t have made it this far (as in, is the ice on the river solid enough to hold my weight, or is this week old milk safe to drink?). We have to be able to estimate how things will effect us, to form an opinion based on what we perceive, and move from there. So this type of judgement is fine, but acting upon our judgements of other people without fully understanding them is not.

ACT taught me that it is impossible to know everything about other people – the mental, emotional, and physical condition they might be in, where they come from, what experiences they have shaped them, etc., and without this information, our brain fills in the missing bits with assumptions that we so seldomly check out to get a better understanding of that person. For example, if someone rushes by and bumps into you on the subway platform, we might automatically swear at that person because of the way they have affected us without knowing why they rushed by without saying “sorry”. For all we know, that person could be on the way to the hospital to see their best friend who was just in a car accident, or perhaps they are ill and need their medicine, and this is affecting them in some way. The point is, we don’t know why that person bumped into us and we can’t possibly know why until we ask them, but we don’t often take the time to find out, relying instead on our preconceived notions that are often incorrect. Understanding this, I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It certainly makes things better for everyone.

Empathy, non-judgement, a history with menswear, and a strong masculine influence has helped shape my career and has fed my fascination with men, their clothing, and their condition; I am absorbed and rivited by you fellas. But now it’s time to rest – onto the holidays!

Measuring change with Chuck Woolery

On a dull evening recently, I went searching for entertainment on Youtube, were I found a goldmine of fabulously trashy 80s prime time TV game show episodes hosted by a man I forgot I had a crush on.

Love Connection, where old-fashioned romance meets modern-day technology!

I have watched every available online clip from Chuck Woolery-era  Love Connection episodes (1983 – 1992), and I’ve savoured every minute of it. For those unfamiliar with the US show, the “bachelor” or “bachelorette” tries to make a love connection with their choice of three possible dates, then returns to discuss their date with Chuck.

It is an entertaining show, but I have to admit that sometimes I found it difficult to watch (remember the era): really, really bad hair, middle parts, and mullets; enormous shoulder pads, frosted make up, tinted glasses, Members Only jackets, and lots of creepy moustaches. Young people looked so much older then – up to 20 visual years and more! Through it all, the charming and ever-jovial Chuck Woolery remained suave and handsome in his classic suits, collar bars, and fabulous hair.

Watching these episodes again, I was able to re-swoon on Chuck and it made me notice social and sartorial differences between now and a quarter century ago. Many things have changed since Love Connection was in its hey-day, but a few things have remained the same.

CHANGED

Women’s liberation. The biggest change has been the women’s movement and its social, economic, and sexual influence.  Lonnie recognized it in his Love Connection segment: “Times have changed and women are really assertive now… it catches me off guard when women pat me on the rear end.” (Does everyone see the irony here?) Women on Love Connection were comfortable putting their foot down as Terry says, “Just because I’m holding his hand doesn’t mean I want to hop in bed with him.”

The vast majority of “bachelorettes” on Love Connection were in control of their own lives and exercised their independence save for one. Kathee’s dream was to be just like her mom: “My mom worked 40 hours a week, came home, cooked dinner, had children, cleaned house on weekends. I want to pamper my husband, I want to pamper my mate. They deserve it.” Kathee was a Love Connection anomaly.

$$. When it came to money, Love Connection shed light on some nasty female behaviour: Andrew explained that while out to dinner with a first date, the woman asked to see his wallet, went through it, counted his money and made a snide comment about how much cash he carried (who does that?). Several men complained about dating materialistic women in California. “Women want to know how much you make and what you do, and it just blows my mind,” Rick says. With women splashing in the economic pool and making their own money, expectations of men have changed and relaxed because women can pay their own way. Surely a relief to you single fellas.

Language. Almost all men referred to women as “girls” on the show (including Chuck), though they were clearly addressing grown women. Milton gives us a bizarre example: he said he wanted someone just like his mom: “My mom is a southern type girl, great cook, good morals, family values, and career-minded also.” Southern type girl? How many of you think of your mother as a girl? It’s like thinking of your father as a boy. Odd.

Women’s bodies. It was socially accepted at that time to be blatantly judgemental of women’s bodies and our friends on Love Connection paint the picture: “Maggie has received compliments on almost all parts of her body,” Eric thinks that “there’s no excuse for a woman to be fat.” Michael’s date started with exercise because “it was a good chance for me to get a good look at her body.’ Donald asked Del to walk in front of him so he could see her butt, thinking that “the face wasn’t working but maybe the booty would,” then explained what she wore on their date: “She was wearing a white, see-through skirt, and her butt is kind of big and you could see straight through the skirt, Chuck, and it was like an eclipse.” Ooh, Donald, it burns!

Men will always love to look at women, so that won’t change, but the way men communicate what they see has changed. The fellas on Love Connection kept no secrets:  Rick’s date had a “great body”, Jack noticed Sheila’s “outrageous looking legs”,  Jeff notices the bosom first, Lawrence said that his date had “nice legs, great buns”, and Al said Jane “had all the curves in the right places.” I don’t know about you, but listening to these guys talk about women as body parts makes me feel like a quartered chicken.

Women’s minds. The majority of bachelors mentioned women’s bodies but seldomly a woman’s mind. Lee gives us an example: Chuck introduced him as not liking women who are too smart. “If they know more than I do,” Lee says, “then I’m in trouble.” I’m not so sure that anyone on Love Connection was a genius themselves, but smart women get much more respect now and I know many men who love to be intellectually captivated by women.

Women abusing men. Seeing a snapshot of the 1980s through Love Connection sometimes made me shudder. Here are three instances of women physically abusing men: Jacques, at 6’7, told the story of making a girlfriend mad and she turned into a boxer. “She started punching me. I told her it didn’t work but she was killing me.” Rhonda explained stopping her car on the freeway to yell at the tail-gaiting man behind her, then delighted in her description of getting out of the car, shouting at the man, then hitting him. Then there is Ardreda, “known to hit her dates”: “If my man is looking at another woman, I have to let him know what’s going on, so you’ve got to hit him so he knows he’s your man.” Formerly a cute way of showing her hurt, this is now called assault.

UNCHANGED

Men and women still have trouble communicating. Sometimes miscommunication happens when people don’t listen. Jim demanded that Cindy come and pick him up (which Cindy didn’t like), then after telling him that she was allergic to fish, he decided that they would have lunch in a fish restaurant. She had a Coke. I believe there was a blood sugar issue later in the date.

I noticed that whenever a woman voiced something negative about the guy, or if he seemed somehow threatened by his date, he automatically got defensive, criticized the woman, and in some cases, tried to shoot insults back (to camoflauge his hurt?). Other times there was hostility between both parties. Mulletted Chris remodeled his car to look like the Batmobile and complained about the size of his date’s thighs, her hair, her “kakamayme directions” and the restaurant she chose (“a roach coach”), while his date, Angela, hurled bombs just as nasty, calling his hair “scraggily” and saying he looked like he lived in the van he picked her up in. When we don’t accept ourselves and other people, we get hostile. No change there.

Good dressers, good manners. Some things never change and being well-dressed and good-mannered will always be appreciated. Many Love Connection women said they like a man who dresses well, like Chuck, whose socks usually match his trousers, but don’t take your dressing cues from any of the Love Connection contestants. Flossy-haired Linda insisted that men’s shirts and socks have to match (I remember this as an 80s thing – please leave it there).

I think that Eric summed it up best when he said, “Women love to see manners on a guy… take her to nice places… I’m going to be the best dressed man for her.” That fellas, is the ticket.

Through shows like Love Connection, we can track our social progress, the change in gender roles, and thankfully, the change of the fashion guard. I appreciate you tuning in today and I offer you a delightful parting gift, better than a year supply Lee Sculptured Nails – two Love Connection clips! Enjoy.

Bad date:

Good date: