Shaped fakery: compression garments

This Internet find does not have the sexy Spanx for Men packaging, but it does show what it is to put a band-aid on a wound.

Gents, would you wear a girdle, even if you knew John Wayne wore one? How about a compression garment, even if you weren’t post-surgery or an athlete? Would you wear a shaping garment for ego’s sake?

I understand that wearing a compression piece can visually reduce inches from a person’s frame and boost confidence. This is great, but at the end of the day, you’re still you, you still live in the body you obviously aren’t happy with because you’re trying to instantly change it, and sooner or later, your secret will be revealed.

Bubble butt technology

There are all sorts of shaping pieces for different areas – stomach, back, chest, even your butt.

In my research for today’s post and found this article from a few years ago, raving about compression garments. It’s a funny piece, describing different companies making different compression garments that can pare inches off the waist, lift the butt, and straighten spines.

This led me to the Andrew Christian clothing website, which offers bubble butt technology – with frontal enhancement – in a jock strap design that pushes your bum cheeks together with side compression – I don’t want to know how it enhances the front. (Gay and gay curious men are bound to find this more interesting than straight men (though you never know)).

Equmen offers garments with “helix-mapping technology”, to “immediately improve health, well-being and visible appearance”, and in a Slim ‘N Lift undershirt with firming panels  “you can look inches smaller and pound [sic] thinner without exercise”. In other words, wear our garments if you’re too lazy to take care of yourself.

The New York Times declares men’s Spanx, shaping garments that form, contour, and compress,  a huge hit in stores and online. A Neiman Marcus spokesperson suggested that one way for men to think of a foundation garment is that it is about “problem solving, and another way of feeling secure and prepared for life.”

I consider Spanx as modern-day armor, which makes sense since we live in a society that pits us against each other and teaches us not to like ourselves – hey, it’s about “problem-solving” after all. To my mind, shaping garments sells us temporary relief from what we don’t like about our selves, keeping us as far away from self-acceptance as possible.

But it’s all about perspective. From my perspective, I say that in an arm wrestle between honesty and ego, honesty should always win.

Lies

Shaping garments are to me, the band-aid solution to a larger problem – fat, a result of low self-esteem, depression, poor education, a sluggish thyroid, or just plain laziness.  Wearing a shaping garment does not change the fact that you’ve got a weight problem. I fear that people who wear compression garments will treat this as an instant slimming insurance policy and a license to overeat.

Fat is a consequence of lifestyle choices.

“If your pipes are clogged, you call a plumber,” says Jason Brown, personal trainer at Snap Fitness in Toronto, “If your challenge is weight or an unhealthy lifestyle, you call trainers and nutritionists.”

“People want the easy way out,” he says, “but unfortunately there is no easy way out. Being in the shape you want takes commitment, consistency, and effort. Getting healthy is a process, not a product.”

As I spoke with Jason, I realized this all comes down to one concept – behaviour modification. This means change, and that can scare people.

Keep it real

Have we reached a point where natural has become taboo? That fantasy has become reality, where compressed bodies and photo-shopped faces are preferred to real people? I hope not.

Compression garments are not your savior, they are not a ticket to a better life, they will not fix the problems you’re not dealing with. Compression garments are addictive like drugs. Once you’re on them, you can’t stop, like the fateful day you decided to put a wig on your balding head.

Instead of wearing dishonest foundation garments, try these simple dressing and lifestyle tips:

• Wear your waistband on your waist, not under your belly – this draws attention to the vastness of your abdomen;
• Visually break up your front by wearing a sports jacket or a waistcoat over your  shirt, or wear vertical (NEVER horizontal) stripes to add an illusion of trimness while adding height;
• Wear clothes that fit properly – not too large, not to small, but just right;
• Become conscious of how much fat you’re consuming and make some easy changes – go easy on the butter, the milk, the cream, and dairy in general – you will notice your pants feeling looser soon enough;
• Stand straight with your shoulders square and visually lift 5 lbs from your abdomen;
• Drink more water;
• Try a cleanse;
• Go for more walks;
• Discover self-respect and how awesome you already are.

The true cost of cheap clothing

Canadian brand, Joe Fresh,made in the collapsed building in Bangladesh. Photo by Global News.

Remember Maya’s speech in “Sideways,” telling Miles what she thinks about each time she opens a bottle of wine? What was going on in the world during the life cycle of the grapes, what was the weather like, and the people who picked the fruit.

This is how I feel about clothing.

Consider what goes into a simple cotton shirt:

• growing, collecting, and processing the cotton fiber
• spinning the fibers into thread
• weaving the threads into fabric
• applying chemical treatments to the fiber or fabric (i.e. mercerization)
• dyeing and/or printing the fabric
• creating a pattern for the garment
• cutting the fabric
• choosing findings – thread, buttons, shaping materials (interfacing), etc.
• physically putting the garment together

It’s amazing how much work goes into one shirt. Even more amazing is how cheap it can be to buy.

The Industrial Revolution brought machines to replace human labour and lower the costs of manufacturing, including  machines to speed the production and lower the cost of textile production in every stage: farming, spinning, weaving, and cutting, but a machine could never replace human hands for building cloth garments. This is why fires and building collapses in garment factories are so sad.

Last November, a fire broke out in a Bangladeshi garment factory, killing 112. Yesterday, a eight-story building collapsed with thousands of workers inside, killing 238 people at last count, and injuring over 2000.

Factory workers noticed a crack in the building on Tuesday and government officials sent them home. The next day when workers returned, the building manager told them not to worry and go inside. If they refused, they would not get paid or may lose their job. Less than an hour later, the building collapsed.

The Times of India reports that upon discovery of the cracks, the factories’ owners were to suspend operations. The Industrial Police asked them to do a structural inspection by engineers before resuming business, but the order was disregarded.

Mostafizur Rahman, Director of the Industrial Police said, “The owners of the Rana Plaza in Savar and the garment factories went into hiding fearing arrest, as the regulatory authorities and police filed separate cases accusing them of illegally constructing the structure and exposing the workers to the fatal accident.”

Retail responsibility

CBC’s “As It Happens” interviewed Kalpona Akter of the Bangladesh Centre for Worker Solidarity a day after the collapse. Akter said the negligence by factory owners, government, and Western retailers is ongoing, and they are aware of the working conditions and state of the buildings but choose to ignore it. Retailers hire third-party auditors to tour buildings and often there is no documentation or follow up.

Scott Nova, Executive Director of the Worker’s Rights Consortium in Washington, D.C., interviewed this morning with CBC’s Metro Morning, and spoke about irresponsible retailers and cheap labour.

Bangladeshi garment workers earn 18 cents an hour for work in substandard facilities, When tragedy strikes, Nova says, “Western retailers choose not to take direct responsibility for what happens to their workers, and prefer to blame the consumer because it lets them off the hook morally. They throw up their hands and say consumers demand cheap clothing and we’re giving consumers what they want.”

Like blaming the Devil for bad behaviour.

“The reality is that there is no consumer that wants to save a few pennies on a t-shirt or dress at the expense of the lives of the men and women who make the clothes,”  Nova says.

Last November’s fire sparked a movement to petition The Gap, one of the retailers fingered in the tragedy, to add 10 cents to their retail price to bring working conditions to standard in Bangladesh. The Gap has instead chosen to create its own “corporate-controlled monitoring system that won’t be accountable to workers, consumers, or independent safety experts,” according to Sum of Us.

Ultimately, change is up to us, we that consume these “fast fashion” garments, to urge retailers to give us a choice in paying extra – up to 15 cents per garment – to pay for the assurance that factory workers would be treated well at work and in safe conditions.

Tweet Joe Fresh @JoeFresh or email Loblaw, it’s parent company to ask for a small price increase to protect Asian workers.

Cost to you

Cheap clothing is cheap partially because it consists of low-grade material. The garment may look okay on a hanger in the store, but once you wash and wear it a few times, it will lose its shape and elastic recovery if it’s a knit, often the dyes run, and ultimately you have a new rag to clean with.

Low-grade fabrics could be made of anything but are commonly cottons and cotton blends (i.e. polyester- cotton). Often, fabric manufacturers add chemical fillers (i.e. formaldehyde). but these finishes wash out, leaving your garments limp and lifeless. I often think of the environmental impact of this “disposable” clothing. (Read this post for information on what your clothes go through before you buy them.)

This is a three-way street between us, the consumers, the retailers, and the factory owners.  Retailers and factory owners and managers are ultimately dictated to by consumers.  If we continue to demand cheap clothing, we must tell retailers that we want to adopt a dime-per-garment policy to help Western clothing giants pay for safe conditions for south Asian workers.

Fashion doesn’t have to make people suffer. No one wants human life as the cost of doing business.

Stress and the man

We all experience stress in our lives, but we don’t talk about it enough – men especially – but there is growing interest in the topic – upon this writing, “men and stress” catches 239,000,000 Google results.

I spoke to a couple of stress experts through the Distress Centres Ontario (DCO),  a provincial organization that provides support services to lonely, depressed, and suicidal people, often via a 24-hour crisis line.

DCO presented “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly of Stress”, focusing on how to shift from a stress reaction to a support response in our body.

Asha Croggan and Arianne Richeson co-presented the learning event – Asha provides support to crisis lines and suicide networks across Canada and is the Provincial Programs Manager for Suicide and Mental Health Networks, and Arianne Richeson is the Manager of Educational Service at Distress Centre of Ottawa and Region. Below are some of their findings from the presentation:

1) Men and women respond to stress differently – the difference between “fight or flight” and “care or share”.

2) Our autonomic nervous system is responding in every second to every feeling we experience. This means that even when we feel we are “handling it well”, our bodies may still be experiencing a stress response.

3) Science has shown that we actually transmit these feelings through the electromagnetic field of the heart.  The brain has an electromagnetic field of 1″ from the body … the heart’s electromagnetic field is 4 feet from the body.

4) Cortisol, a hormone released in response to stress, continues to cycle up to 12 hours after a stress reaction in the body. This results in poorer/disrupted sleep which in turn lowers our ability to respond effectively to stress. (For further reading on cortisol and easy ways to reduce it, click here.)

5) Emotions that have a depleting effect on our bodies – worry, frustration, and anger -  create cortical inhibition (cortical = cerebral cortex – the brain’s outer layer central to memory, attention, perceptual awareness, language, thought, and consciousness) which in turn diminishes the brain’s capacity to problem-solve, recall coping strategies, and effectively communicate. Renewing feelings such as gratitude, joy, and enthusiasm that have a supportive effect on the body and helps to open the mind. (It also draws good things to you.)

Men and women not only experience stress differently, they are subject to gender-specific stresses. In Is stress harder on men? , Ottawa psychotherapist Wesley Moore says that especially at work, “men often feel they have to outperform everyone else. This can be a huge source of pressure, especially if there is also an internal dialogue that he must be the ‘breadwinner’ for his family.”

Women often have support networks for times of stress, but men are less likely to ask for help or talk about their situations, which makes them vulnerable to stress-related problems; not feeling that he has an outlet to release his stress will keep it trapped in the mind and the body.

To dodge the stress in their lives, men are more likely to engage in some kind of distraction – i.e.  a friend of mine told me he got over the grief of a break up by “going to sleep” when he felt overwhelmed by sadness; amusement of new toys or hobbies,  or the darker road of chemical distraction – alcohol, drugs, and tobacco.

Distracted or not, men experiencing stressful situations like interpersonal problems, financial difficulties, and violence “were linked to psychological problems, such as anxiety, mental distress, and lack of coherence,” according to a 2002 Finnish study.

Quite often, stress is in the eye of the beholder – it is something perceived in the brain, not necessarily real in 3D reality. A stressed brain can be overwhelming, but there are lots of easy ways to cope with it and calm it down. Asha and Arianne compiled some simple ways to deal with stress, beginning with becoming conscious of it:

1)      Be aware of your stress alarms and triggers.  Your body uses symptoms to express when it is in a stress response.  Once you understand this “language” you can become more aware of how often you are under stress, and recognize the alarms when they go off. Common stress alarms are headaches, digestion issues, irritation, withdrawal, over/under eating.  Reflect on the stress alarms you experience physically, emotionally, and behaviourally. This will help you to better determine the triggers in your life, so you can prepare for them.

2)      Take your “emotional pulse” throughout the day.  The body is responding in every moment to how you “feel”. Your emotions set off a cascade of over 1,500 biochemical reactions and responses in the body. (!) Pause throughout the day to take your emotional pulse and see whether you feel a depleting or renewing emotion.

3)      Shift through breathing.  A critical tool you have in your “stress toolkit” is your breath.  Calm yourself by simply becoming aware of your breath.  Slow the breath down so it is deeper than normal.

4)      Choose healthy debriefing. It is important and healthy to recognize when an event has affected you, and to reach out to share how you are feeling.

5)      Use the P.A.U.S.E. Approach:  When you recognize you are experiencing stress:

• Pause.  Catch your breath.  Take a moment so you can choose to respond rather than react.
• Ask yourself. Is this true?  Is this important?  Is this something I truly need to deal with now?
• Use your tools.  Utilize your coping and communication skills, breathing exercises, and if need be, take some space so you can calm yourself and assess next steps.
• Self-care.  A stressed mind is a closed mind.  Practice self-care so you can slow the stress reaction in your body.  A coherent, calm body supports stronger memory, creative problem-solving and communication – all important skills in responding to stress.
• Express yourself.   Express how you feel, set your boundaries, debrief with someone you trust, or reach out for professional support.

We all feel stress weighing heavily upon us for all sorts of reasons, but please don’t be afraid to reach out for help when you’re in need. There is support all over the world, and volunteers eager to listen without judgement.

Some distress organizations in Canada and worldwide:

Distress Centre British Columbia

Inform Alberta

Reason to Live Manitoba

Distress Centres Ontario

Chimo Helpline, New Brunswick

Northwest Territories Help Line

Samaritans UK

Befrienders Worldwide

Black History Month: Another side of Hip-Hop

Click me.

Negative stereotypes of Blacks are a staple of Black music videos that glorify gangsterism. In Rap music and videos, the minstrel-show plantation has been born again as the “hood.” While the setting has changed from an idyllic plantation to the mean streets of urban America, the process is the same: a black culture is being marketed for profit, with black performers portraying negative stereotypes. Performers claim that they represent authentic black America, while critics decry the glorification of ugly caricatures and its effects on Black youth.

-Black-face.com

I’ve had some things on my mind lately, Black History Month (BHM), and a lecture I attended a few weeks ago, by masculinities author and sociologist, Michael Kimmel. By fortunate chance, I recently came across  The Black Man Can, an initiative to actively promote a positive black male image by Brandon Frame, who has helped immensely with this year’s BHM articles.

I read a couple of posts on Brandon’s site that really grabbed my interest: Is Commercial Hip-Hop the New Blackface? by Sharif Rasheed, who suggests Hip-Hop culture as a caricature of African-American youth, and the fabrication and absorption of the Hip-Hop stereotype in black youth culture in When Posing Goes Wrong: Ricky Rozay is not about that life. 

Now, as a white, Canadian woman of European descent with a love for Sam Cooke, but no understanding of Soulja Boy let alone Jay-Z, I was gobsmacked at what I read in Rasheed’s article: “Commercial Hip-Hop has become the blueprint for the streets for many of today’s youth. The lyrics tell them what to wear, how to talk, what to like and dislike. These ignorant lyricists are the slave masters that abuse young minds by whipping the oppression into them and hanging the glorification right on them.”

Glen Palmer, of The Gentlemen’s Standard, a site for distinctive men of colour, does not believe that the younger generation understands blackface, let alone black American history.

“The blackface concept still remains,” he says,“artists play to the lowest, stereotypical denominator and project an imagery that mainstream, white America believes people of color to be. The stereotypes have changed a little, as “bling” has been introduced into the equation, but the foundation is still there. Ignorant. Hyper-sexualized. Violent.”

It is alarming that young black men allow themselves to be molded into an antiquated stereotype via Hip-Hop, as is their frenzy to prove their manhood – the brand of masculinity devised by white, Judeo-Christian men.

Masculinity

In Michael Kimmel’s lecture, he explains the traditional pillars of manhood that originated in the mid-20^th century that has left millions of men unable to feel, positively express themselves, and be genuine.

1. “No sissy stuff.” In western patriarchal culture, anything associated with the feminine is a sign of weakness (an apparent cardinal sin). In Hip-Hop, rap artists often call each other out and accuse each other of weakness in their rhymes, using offensive language like “bitch nigga”,  keeping rivalries and feuds alive, and feeding the aggression that hip hop demands.
2. “Be a big wheel.” Wealth, power, and status equals money, ice (bling), and sex in Hip-Hop culture – the spoils of white patriarchy.
3. “Be a sturdy oak. Be reliable in a crisis/become an unfeeling inanimate object”. Glen suggested I watch Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes, an excellent documentary by Byron Hurt. Hurt discusses the projected hardness in Hip-Hop that is ego-driven and encourages men to assert themselves. This  hardness “denies men their own frailty”, and exposes their masculine insecurities, camouflaged by violence, dominance, misogyny, and homophobia.
4. “Give ‘em hell.”  Be daring, be aggressive, be violent. The projected Hip-Hop image encourages men to threaten and kill each other, abuse women, and endanger and intimidate those around them.

The way Hip-Hop has nestled into these dated (and very unnatural) masculine expectations is startling, but as Brandon says, young black men “lack positive self-identity or  positive identity development, and look for it in other forms like commercial Hip-Hop music. The images created by these artists is merely for entertainment but Black Boys do not see it that way. They see these images as reality…a reality they want to live and embody.”

Little white lies

The scariest concept around all of this stuff is that the Hip-Hop image is false.

The caricature of the rough, tough, dangerous gangsta rapper is projected by profit-generating record labels, run by white men in suits who decide who gets signed, and who they can peddle the blackface image to (largely young white men – 70% of Hip-Hop is consumed by this group).

In When Posing Goes Wrong: Ricky Rozay is not about that life, the author outs rap artist, Rick Ross, about the lies he’s been living. Black youth hears music about drug dealing, though many of them “have never even sold candy”, toting guns and murdering, though “a good number of us have never even fired a gun and for sure never killed anyone.

“Our youth listen to these lyrics from these beloved entertainers and take it as gospel. Many take the glorified side of street life as reality and they do not see the dangerous reality until it is too late.”

A new code of masculinity

In researching and writing for this post,  I’ve processed a lot of information and believe I have witnessed the ultimate in insult – the diminishing of human potential. We desperately need a new, healthy, positive definition of masculinity for young men and boys that promotes among other things, self-respect and respect for others.

What is and was needed is a vision of masculinity where self-esteem and self-love of one’s unique being forms the basis of identity. Cultures of domination attack self-esteem, replacing it with a notion that we derive our sense of being from dominion over another. Patriarchal masculinity teaches men that their sense of self and identity, their reason for being, resides in their capacity to dominate others.

- bell hooks, African-American feminist

Resolve to have a better image in 2013

Gentlemen, if you’re the type to make New Year’s resolutions, make 2013 the year you take five simple steps to improve your image and make a better impression in the world.

1. Keep your shoes and boots clean and polished. It’s a cliche by now, but I say the same still rings true – in the old days, a man’s character was associated with how well he kept his shoes, and there is no reason to think differently now.  Freshly-polished footwear is the sign of a man who takes pride in himself, and people notice.

Shoes are the base of our daily wardrobe, and if they’re dirty, scuffed, and/or in need of repair, your footwear will negate any effort you’ve taken to dress well. On the other hand, wearing magnificently cared-for footwear can actually excuse an otherwise sloppy wardrobe – shoes are powerful!

2. Keep your hands clean. We meet a lot of people and we shake a lot of hands, and keeping yours clean, like wearing well-kept shoes, sends a positive message about your self esteem and your respect for others. Clean hands also reduce the spread of germs, important  especially in winter – so respect your health and the health of others and wash often!

Unfortunately, washing germs away will dry out your hands, making skin tight and uncomfortable (to the point of cracking, for some of you). The way around this is to apply moisturizer. I hear your complaints already, but  moisturizing your skin is no different than using oil to keep your baseball glove supple. To avoid the discomfort of dry hands, gents, try to apply at least once a day, preferably after your morning shower.

3. Keep scent to a minimum. Keep the smell volume down low, because you may be the only one enjoying the fragrant symphony hanging around you.

Remember that most, if not all of your grooming products, from shampoo to shaving cream, are scented. If you wear aftershave or cologne, this is another fragrance on top of these scents, which  gets to be overpowering quickly.

To make things worse, I just read an article about the fragrance industry using human and animal feces in their products – yuck!

4. Wear well-fitting clothing.  When dressing for business or casual, if you’re not paying attention to the fit of your clothes, you’re doing yourself a disservice. It doesn’t matter how big or small a man is, ill-fitting clothes visually change your body shape.

Wearing too-small clothing makes bodies bulge and pushes us out of proportion. Too-big clothing (left) gives visual obesity while making us look insignificant as we swim in excess fabric. A correct fit (right) accentuates the positive and makes us more confident. Wearing well-fit clothing feels great!

5. Stand straighter. Want to lose a visual 5 pounds and feel more confident? Inhale, straighten your spine, lift your eyes, and square your shoulders.

People often don’t pay attention to the way they stand, but posture speaks loudly; it can diminish us in the eyes of others or boost our presence and mood. People notice confident people, and confident people stand straight.

I encourage you to watch this 20-minute TED talk with social psychologist, Amy Cuddy, who explains body language and how to turn up your testosterone and your confidence by assuming 2-minute “power positions”:

Without spending extra money, you can sharpen your image by following these simple steps, making for a more confident and memorable 2013. Happy New Year!

Note – In the Key of He is taking January off – see you in February!

Reinventing after divorce

Ted, before

The first time I met him, Ted wore disheveled biking clothes and his eyes were bloodshot from laser surgery a few weeks before. He sat hunched over his coffee cup, eyes averted, arms occasionally crossed over his chest. He seemed absent somehow.

Soon off the top of our conversation, he talked about his failed marriage and his imminent divorce. He said he numbed out and lost 20 pounds of muscle after his wife told him about her affair.

Ted was a wounded man but he was ready to change. He just didn’t know how.

As a men’s image consultant, I make it my job to transform men into their genuine selves – not the men that society demands. I believe that all men are wonderful, but many have been influenced by outside forces that want to control and mold him into who they think he should be.

To me, this is abusive to men and their true nature that should be nurtured and celebrated.

Ted’s story

After Ted hired me, I got to know him through an in-depth questionnaire so I could understand his character, his life, and how he sees the world; what he likes to do, what he reads, who he listens to, and what kind of art he likes.

Ted, after

Failed relationships with women tend to put the fear in men, and Ted said at the beginning of our first session that I was the only person on earth who knew this much about him, and he was a little nervous about that. I assured his emotional safety and dove into the character of this interesting man. I began to understand what a handy and creative guy he is – Ted can take a brick chimney apart with his bare hands and he loves Steve McQueen movies.

“Simply by meeting with Leah and talking about the good things we both wanted for me was, in and of itself, a change,” Ted explains, “My many negative thoughts were replaced by hopeful, positive ones. We spoke about the past but never dwelled on it – our immediate focus was on making a positive change in the near future.”

Our bodies tell the truth even when we choose not to. Ted’s body language told the story of his battered emotions and fragile ego. I gave him my observations.

Females are born with the ability to read faces and respond to eye contact. Since Ted intended to get past his bad relationship and meet more women, I assigned homework to work on his gaze to come across as sincere and present, asking for updates every week. After a few weeks of conscious eye contact, Ted said that he felt “so much more powerful” in his interactions with women, and they responded well to him.

When we moved into the physical part of process, we worked on body consciousness, body proportions, lifestyle assessment, and colour analysis that cleared his skin, brought his eyes into focus, and turned up his handsome. We were ready to build a new, efficient, and flattering wardrobe to give Ted fewer pieces to fuss over, more outfits to wear, and a new way to express himself.

“After getting out there in my new wardrobe, I’m happy about every  decision I made. I’ve never received so many unprovoked compliments from people before,” Ted says,”I think guys in similar situations can have a similar experience in the image program, but they have to want change and be entirely open to it.”

The short end of the emotional stick

I looked for ways to further support Ted on his journey and was at once horrified but not surprised to see that there is a small amount of support for divorced dads and a comparatively miniscule amount of support for divorced men without children, like Ted.

This seems to say that if the man isn’t supporting other lives, he’s useless.

The lack of emotional support translates into a familiar and unjust message of men being expected to suck up all of the pain associated with divorce and carry on as if nothing happened.

A social attitude like this is a catalyst for drug and alcohol abuse, depression, and in some cases, suicide. This casts a terrible shadow on our society and from my perspective, is an example of sexism and emotional violence against men.

I found a therapist in Toronto who specializes in divorce. Bernie Golden is a counsellor/psychotherapist and family mediator. He also facilitates a Separation and Divorce Self-Help Group.

Bernie recognizes the social need to support men in their struggles “because men hurt and they deserve to have that hurt acknowledged; men should have an accessible and effective network of supports, and if they don’t, this can have a significant negative impact on a person’s emotional and physical health.”

He too acknowledges the societal problems that arise when people’s struggles are not recognized or supported, saying that when emotional difficulties are ignored, we are all diminished and we all suffer from this neglect.

“My clients often express their frustration over the lack of support for men,” he says, “I hear my client’s frustration when they reach out for individual support from friends and family; when they reach for support from non-profits, organized groups, and professionals, and I hear about the frustration around not feeling supported or understood from a larger societal perspective.  Many men perceive and are faced with a societal indifference to providing them with the emotional support that they need.”

Men in Toronto can get in touch with Bernie at 416-951-1288 or through berniegolden.com.

Services

Society is (very) slowly noticing the difficulties that divorced men face.

Google anything about divorced men and you’ll find mostly legal and financial websites, some more bitter than others, to support men during their most difficult times. It is truly shocking how few services there are for the divorced man.

I knew there had to be more, so I kept searching.

I found a wonderful specialized interior design service that reworks space for people in states of transition, namely divorced men.

Deirdre Dyment, of the Deirdre Dyment Design Group in Toronto, helps to create beautiful, happy homes for clients after life-changing events.

“There’s much more involved in leaving the matrimonial home than packing a suitcase and signing a lease,” her website says, “I want to create an environment that will inspire and get the individual that has moved excited about the next chapter of their life.”

Now we’re getting somewhere.

I came across a women’s dating movement in the UK that has its sights set on divorced men.

The PUMAs – women on the hunt for Previously Married and Attractive men, see divorced men as having greater relationship experience, with “the likelihood they will be more sensitive to their partner’s needs, and that they have demonstrated serious commitment in the past,” says this Daily Mail story.

Though this is focused in Britain, I’m quite sure there are PUMAs prowling  the North American continent as well, gents. After reading the news story, I can absolutely see why smart women would want a man experienced with relationships and with women.

Things are slowly changing for divorced men, but we have a long way to go.

Ted is on a new road now. He’s had a fun summer, feeling better about himself,  juggling women that seem to have come out of the woodwork, and taking a new pride in himself.

“While the whole ordeal may seem a bit overwhelming, I think it’s well worth it for men to invest a few dollars more in themselves,” Ted says in support of his broken brothers, “I went through the image process and I feel comfortable and confident and much more like the man I actually am, not the man my divorce made me feel like.”

MAO-A: The “warrior” gene

 

DNA fingerprint

In the early 1990s, geneticist Dr. Han Brunner studied a Dutch family whose male relatives were prone to violence. He discovered that the MAO-A gene, a gene crucial to managing anger, was inactive in the male relations.

The MAO-A gene controls the production of monoamine oxidases (MAOs) enzymes that break down neurotransmitters, serotonin, dopamine, and adrenalin, and are capable of affecting mood.  The MAO-A gene acts as a mop to clean up the serotonin, bringing us back to normal. A mutation in this gene, as seen in the males in the Dutch family, cannot control serotonin levels, and this results in violent behaviour.

The MAO-A gene is present in all of us, carried on the X chromosome, giving women two copies and men one. The second copy in women is believed to result in increased happiness, but the one copy in men has very different results.

The genetic mutation is surprisingly common – 1 in 3 men carry a shortened, less active version of the gene, considered as the cause of anti-social behaviour in Caucasian men if they suffered childhood abuse, and responsible for violent behaviour in some males.

“Warrior gene”

In 1993 when the gene was first studied by Dr. Brunner, the MAO-A mutation and it’s related behaviours became known as the “criminal gene”.

“That was picked up by the media to be called a “criminal gene,” and even the senior author on the paper publicly stated… that it was ridiculous to call it that,” explains Jonathan Beckwith, professor of Microbiology and Molecular Genetics at Harvard Medical School.

“When the media presents these findings in a dramatic way, there are at least hints from the scientists themselves that it should be taken that way. That’s not always the case, though sometimes scientists who produce the work become quite dismayed at its interpretation by the media,” he says. (Source.)

Time passed. The “criminal gene” became the “aggression gene”, and in 2004, through misquotes and miscommunications, the genetic mutation got a new title, the “warrior gene”.

The name derived from testing a very small sample of Maori men from New Zealand, a tribe with a history of warfare.  Unfortunately, the press got a hold of it and the Maoris became known as genetically predisposed to violence and criminal acts, but there is no direct evidence to support this. (See this article from the New Zealand Medical Journal for more information.)

The choice of the term “warrior gene” has huge implications because “warrior” conjures a strongman who can stoically protect and provide for his people. It seems to me that naming a genetic mutation associated with violent behaviour after an appealing masculine archetype is to glorify it. And this can be dangerous.

Born to Rage

National Geographic produced a documentary in 2010 about the “warrior gene”, hosted by Henry Rollins, front man for the American punk band, Black Flag. Henry believes he carries the “warrior gene” because his anger is always simmering just below the surface.

The doc focuses on men from diverse backgrounds and their genetic makeup, testing to see who carries the mutated MAO-A gene. Bikers, Buddhist monks, ex-gang members, mixed martial arts (MMA) athletes, and a Navy Seal participated in the program.

Some of the guys self-identified as warriors and expected to carry the mutation, even boasted about it. A flash of disappointment crossed their faces when they heard the news that they’re genes are normal.

The bikers’ DNA results were split right down the middle – the quiet ones carried the shortened gene. One described himself as “battling a demon”, another “in constant anger”, like Henry.

Shortened gene carriers from violent backgrounds often turn violent themselves, as seen in the two ex-gang members, initiated into gang life at the age of 10, and becoming two of the most feared “enforcers” in Los Angeles.

However, violence is not always the outcome of this combination. The Buddhist monks, all from violent or difficult backgrounds carry the mutation, but dedicate their lives to peace and enlightenment.

All MMA fighters, men in their 20s, expected to carry the gene because they are in top physical condition and know how to fight. Through their training, these are fighters are in physical and emotional control of themselves, and do not fly into the sudden “warrior gene” rage. None of them carried  the shortened gene.

A MAO-A gene  mutation isn’t always associated with violence – the Navy Seal, a man from supportive parents and a good education carried the shortened gene. He channels his internal aggression into a productive use as a successful entrepreneur. He maintains that he overcame the negative effects of the shortened gene through his military training, where he learned to “control the fuse and the anger”.

Henry’s parents divorced when he was young and I understand that his mom’s boyfriend beat him and mentally abused him. Kids beat him up in the school yard. He described himself as a “nervous kid” until the day he snapped and became what he feared. Almost 50 at the time of filming, Henry says he’s still aggressive.

Find out Henry’s DNA results in the 45 minute documentary.

Implications

MAO-A is only one of thousands of genes expressed in the brain with the potential to affect behavior.The MAO-A gene is not an explanation for violence, but it does move us closer to understanding what drives violence in some men, and further understanding of the gene will tailor rehabilitation programs to individuals.

It will also alter the law.

A really interesting paper from the National Judicial College of Australia examines the MAO-A gene as evidence in sentencing. The author states that there is not enough scientific understanding of the gene for it to play a part in criminal proceedings, and warns about the moral issues of testing all males for the gene mutation and the possibility of racial profiling because of a man’s ethnic heritage.

The argument over using genetic determinism as a legal defense continues to rage (this paper focuses on genetic determinism and the law). Through our understanding of the MAO-A gene, we will come to understand ourselves better, but we must be careful not to treat the violence associated with the mutation as an excuse, and shirk off responsibility for our actions.

Violence is a choice.

Dabbing like a gent

A client recently asked me what he should do when sweat runs into his eyes on a hot and humid summer day.

“Good question,” I said, “there is no reason that a gentleman shouldn’t do as a gentlewoman would on a hot day – use a hankie.”

I pulled out my embroidered scarlet vintage hankie and showed him what I do with it when I find beads of sweat rolling down my face: dab. Simply dab.

Using an absorbent linen or cotton handkerchief to take up the sweat is a much nicer alternative to wiping one’s forehead with a sleeve or the back of your hand. Using a hankie is politer and much more stylish.

In Style & The Man, Alan Flusser, a permanent member on the international best-dressed list, writes of the pocket handkerchief:  “Immediate availability has always been a requirement for any handkerchief; the user must have ready access to it if he is to head off that unexpected sneeze before it becomes a source of embarrassment, mop up the spilled champagne before it flows into the lap of a guest, or perform other social niceties.”

As Mr. Flusser reminds us, the practical handkerchief must not be confused with the dress handkerchief that graces the breast pocket of a jacket. This workable handkerchief, also known as a pocket handkerchief, is meant to be stored in your back trouser pocket, as Flusser says, but if this is not possible, I’m sure no one would mind if you kept your hankie in an outside jacket pocket or if the fit allows, the front trouser pocket.

In the old days, a proper gent would always carry a hankie for nose-blowing or mopping the brow on a hot day. I remember my grandfather always had a linen hankie in is pocket and kept a drawer full of handkerchiefs because he bought them in packets of three. These are still readily available in men’s furnishings departments. For you groovier types, seek out vintage stores for cool, old-fashioned hankies or search for them online.

Random hankie tips:

• Men’s hankies tend to be plainer with straight or rolled hems; women’s hankies are more colourful and often have lace or edging on hems;
• For denim or sporty days, carry a colourful bandana, but go with a plainer, quieter hankie at the office – either way, hankies are a great way to express yourself;
• At the end of the day, toss your hankie in the wash or rinse under the tap, otherwise you’ll have a soggy wad to deal with.

For more handkerchief info, see the Hanky panky post, and for more info about combating perspiration, check No need to sweat it.

Men on caffeine

Now that I’ve reduced my caffeine intake, I actively seek out decaffeinated coffee and I’m finding it rather difficult, at least in Toronto, to get a decaf after 11 am. This makes me wonder why the powers that be are making decaf hard to come by, but then I decided that it’s actually about creating addiction which affects the bottom line, apparently more important than the health of society at large. But that’s another story.

Caffeine gets mixed medical reviews: I’ve read that it lowers the risk of diabetes and Parkinson’s disease, drops the risk of colon cancer by 20%, and two cups a day cuts the risk of developing gallstones in half. Caffeine is a stimulant that speeds digestion and temporarily increases our mental processes.

However, caffeine also increases the likelihood of panic attacks, can cause excessive sweating in some people, and can keep us awake when we need to sleep. (Read more here.) Caffeine is dehydrating due to its diuretic properties making us urinate more often, and this may accelerate the skin’s aging process. wrinkling us prematurely.

But everyone will react to caffeine differently. “Some people experience greater mental clarity, alertness and productivity after a cup of coffee. Other people become jittery, anxious, or depressed when they drink coffee,” according to healthguidance.org.

Knowing this, and knowing how different the male and female brains are, I wondered if the chemistry of caffeine affects men and women differently. Turns out it does.

Men and caffeine

Caffeine affects the workings of testosterone in men, in some cases, increasing it. But hold on, fellas – drinking excess cups of coffee will not turn you into the Incredible Hulk or increase the quality and volume of your semen, but studies show that taking caffeine before a workout increases testosterone. To say the least, this is a complicated issue and more research is needed to land on anything conclusive.

What studies are showing however, is the effect of caffeine on men’s cognitive abilities, and the findings are not good. At the University of Bristol, a 2010 study measured the role of caffeine in stressful situations affecting performance in men and women. Pairs of each gender were given caffeine and a time limit to complete puzzles.

The results, published in Journal of Applied Social Psychology, showed that pairs of women drinking caffeinated coffee completed puzzles “100 seconds faster than those who took decaf coffee, while men on caffeine completed the puzzles 20 seconds slower than those on the decaffeinated. Men drinking caffeinated coffee were “greatly impaired” in the memory tasks.” (Read more here.)

The researchers pointed out that offering bottomless cups of coffee at male-dominated meetings may not be a good idea, because in some men, caffeine can increase aggression, and “men might even unintentionally sabotage the partnerships forged to solve stressful issues.”

Bob Sutton, professor of management science at Standford, boils down the studies findings to this: “If you are running a meeting and it is attended by all women, give them caffeinated drinks, but if it is all men, or perhaps a blend of men and women, given them the decaf if you want cooperation and better performance.”

Famous caffeine addicts

In research for this post, I noted something very interesting that suggested caffeine as a gateway drug: “Any individual who consumes large amounts of caffeine is at greater risk of becoming a smoker and of drinking alcoholic beverages to excess.”

Excessive use of nicotine and caffeine sounds familiar, especially if you’re Frank Zappa.

Billy James, in his book, Necessity Is…:The Early Years of Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention, explains that during the 1960s, Frank Zappa’s band was often associated with the psychedelic scene because of the type of weird music they played.

If the Mothers were taking drugs, James says, Zappa “probably wasn’t aware of it and most certainly wasn’t joining them – preferring caffeine and nicotine to anything stronger. Clearly, with a mind as intelligent and creative as his was, he was in no need of hallucinogenic assistance. Ever the consummate professional Zappa had no time for the sloppiness that indulgence in drink and drugs brought out in musicians.”

Was Zappa testy with his band because of the effects of caffeine? Modern scientific research certainly suggests this – caffeine is a mild stimulant, known to slow cerebral blood flow by 27% according to one study I read, also causing anxiety, increased heart rate, and increased aggression. Like a low dose of speed, I suppose.

Another famous coffee addict, Honore de Balzac, an influential 19th century playwright and writer, drank impossible amounts of coffee and would stay up for days drinking and writing.

In his essay, The Pleasures and Pains of Coffee, Balzac writes, “The state coffee puts one in when it is drunk on an empty stomach under these magisterial conditions produces a kind of animation that looks like anger: one’s voice rises, one’s gestures suggest unhealthy impatience: one wants everything to proceed with the speed of ideas; one becomes brusque, ill-tempered about nothing.”

Caffeine in large amounts on an empty stomach wreaks havoc on the system, which I can attest to – I’ve recently broken the habit of drinking two pots of  black tea for breakfast – this affected the lining of my stomach, caused a little pain, hiccups, burping, and nausea – though it may have made Balzac proud, I don’t recommend it.

…coffee falls into your stomach, a sack whose velvety interior is lined with tapestries of suckers and papillae. The coffee finds nothing else in the sack, and so it attacks these delicate and voluptuous linings; it acts like a food and demands digestive juices; it wrings and twists the stomach for these juices, appealing as a pythoness appeals to her god; it brutalizes these beautiful stomach linings as a wagon master abuses ponies; the plexus becomes inflamed; sparks shoot all the way up to the brain.

-Honore de Balzac

When it comes to caffeine, gents, in the form of coffee, tea, cola, or chocolate, moderation is the best advice. Try to be aware of the way caffeine affects you and decide for yourself if having more is going to be beneficial to your brain, your bowels, and your nerves. Also think about your nightly rest – caffeine after 2 pm is said to affect your sleep because it takes some time to dissolve in the body and blocks andensine, the chemical that causes drowsiness by slowing down nerve cell activity.

Unconscious behavior: using iPods

I’ve written a couple of times about unconscious behaviour – actions done without thinking, especially without thinking about how our actions will affect other people – and I’d like to offer a tip for those who use iPods or other portable music systems.

Be aware - ear buds easily leak sound.

If you’re like me and you take public transit, you’ll know how irritating it can be when someone nearby is listening to music at a high volume through headphones that leak sound (ear buds, especially). An example to illustrate: one time not long ago, I was riding a bus. A guy sat down beside me wearing old-style over-the-head headphones with speakers that sat outside his ears, BLARING what sounded like 80s metal. I asked him to please turn down the volume. Instead of turning it down, he got up, moved to a seat a couple of rows behind me and turned it up, an action equivalent to giving me the finger, I figured. (As you may guess, I did not take too kindly to that.)

Honestly, I like loud music as much as the next person (really, it’s true)  but I’m very aware of how the sound escaping from my ear buds can irritate people around me. Because I’m aware of this, I turn down the volume when I’m in closed public spaces so that I don’t annoy anyone who might be trying to concentrate on a book or a newspaper, or someone just chilling in the quiet.

If this means anything to you, and I hope it does, here is a trick that I devised to check how loud my headphones are to other people:

Keeping the volume at the same level it would be if you were outside, take the headphones out and hold the little speakers in your fists (don’t squeeze too tight – we’re only trying to emulate buds that sit in your ears). Hold your arms out away from you – this is what everyone around you can hear. How loud is it? What do you think of this idea?

Remember that the music you’re playing on your portable device is for you and only you, so please do us all a favour and turn down the volume while you’re in an enclosed public space, then when you’re back outside, turn it back up and keep on grooving – an easy action that makes the world a better place for us all – thank you!

Bitch slap: how do you handle conflict?

Today’s post is born of a real personal experience I had at a friend’s 50th birthday party last month. It got me thinking about humans, human emotion, and human behaviour.

During Christmas week, I attended a long, lovely Christmas choral concert with a friend. We left feeling uplifted and calm, and walked through the cool, humid night to the condo building where the party was happening.

The party room was large with pockets of people scattered everywhere. I really only knew the birthday boy and his husband, so my friend and I hung around the bar, vainly attempting to catch up to the rest of the party-goers who had a few hours of celebratory drinking on us already.

I found myself next to a very handsome man who I noticed earlier. He was on his own at the time but I had already seen him with his girlfriend and knew that he was not available. Hands off. No problem. We struck up a conversation and chatted for a while until his girlfriend, quite drunk, appeared out of nowhere.

In uncoordinated drunken aggression at the sight of her boyfriend talking to another woman, she lashed out – the palm of her hand connected with my cheek but she wasn’t able to deliver the stinging slap she intended, instead  pushing my face off to the left. I wasn’t hurt but  I was shocked, and so was her fella.

“What is this?!” she wailed.

The boyfriend and I, stunned, looked at each other in gaping confusion. Within seconds, I moved away from them, he hauled her out, and the party resumed. It was surreal.

Conflict management

I shared a radio interview with communications expert, Ric Phillips, of 3V Communications last year and I met with him this week. I always like talking to Ric because his background in social psychology and coaching gives him an interesting perspective.

During our visit, I told him about the intended bitch slap. We discussed what my options could have been, and Ric said that when conflict arises, there are really only four possible choices:

1.  Do nothing – maintain silence and do not react;

2.  Escape the scene or person(s) to avoid further conflict;

3. Change your attitude because you have a minimal chance of changing theirs;

4. Change your behaviour (see answer #3).

Note that retaliation is not a suggestion in Ric’s list of conflict management options. I responded with a combination of 1 and 2 for a couple of reasons: one of my friends said that he would have hit back, but I believe that violence begets violence and I would never strike anyone, so there’s that, but also, the woman was intoxicated and this made her emotional response a little more uh, “lively”, and I chalked it up to that. That, plus the understanding that the underlying insecurity issues that the booze brought to life have probably been there for a while and are the root of the outburst.

Jealousy

Psychology Today describes jealousy as

…encompassing feelings from fear of abandonment to rage to humiliation. It strikes both men and women when they perceive a third-party threat to a valued relationship… Conventional wisdom holds that jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds, but it more often destroys them. And it can give rise to relationship violence.

Ric says, “Jealousy is directly linked to a lack of self-confidence,” and of course, he’s correct. Confident people don’t fret over whether their mates are being faithful or not because they trust their partner and their partner trusts them. People in unstable relationships would not feel confident due to the instability of the partnership that co-exists with that person’s lacking self-esteem.

Jealousy is a one-sided, ego-based reaction that begins in self-doubt and can eat away at any of us and sabotage our relationships (if we’re the jealous type, that is – I do not believe that all people are). I feel that the woman in question reacted not to me personally, but to me as a threatening figure to her relationship, and she violently protested. If she were not the jealous type and presumably more comfortable with herself and her relationship, she might have come over, introduced herself, chatted with me a bit to get the sense of who I am, and looked clearly into my eyes to see that I wasn’t out to pick up her boyfriend at all, just making conversation with him. Unfortunately, she made a different choice.

Dramatic jealous scenes can wreak havoc. If you’re the type to get jealous, Askmen.com offers five points to counter jealousy and keep it in check before we do anything we’ll regret:

1. Learn from past experiences: look at how your behavior affected past relationships and use that to help you behave better.

2. Deal with reality: focus on what is really happening, not what you perceive to be happening… Don’t let your imagination dictate the kind of person [your partner] really is.

3. Respect yourself: realize that [he/]she chose you for a reason and there is no need for her to be so easily tempted elsewhere.

4. Get a third party’s opinion: ask a friend to take note of your behavior around your [boy/]girlfriend. It may help you to fully understand the extent of your actions (as well as [theirs]) by getting a neutral party’s perspective.

5.  Set some rules early on: try establishing some general guidelines as to what is and isn’t acceptable for you [and your mate].

Empathy

Of course the news of the slap went on Facebook the next day. A friend called me when she heard about it explained that she had a couple of really good-looking boyfriends in her life, and these relationships were difficult – not because of the men in question, but the women who reacted to them. She said that when they were out at bars, women would step in front of her to engage the boyfriend, and other women actually gave the boyfriend their phone numbers right in front of her. How terrible that must have been for my friend!

I don’t know who the woman was who assaulted me but seeing as though her boyfriend was so drop-dead handsome, she may have experienced other women behaving in less-than-respectful ways too, and when I think about the situation this way, I feel empathy toward her (and him –  I can’t help but wonder how this made her boyfriend feel and how the outburst affected their relationship).

“I try my best to empathize with the other person or people, and I give them permission to be a flawed human, just like me. Through empathy I connect with them and calmly work at resolving the issue, one way or another,” Ric says.

“Empathy is the key to communication. We must try to listen, read body language and see the issue from the other person’s perspective. We do not need to fight, or run away, or apologize, or get riled up with defensiveness. We instead should practice self-control and empathy first.”

Empathy is putting ourselves in another person’s shoes in an attempt to understand where they might be coming from and why they react to situations the way they do. She reacted to me the way she did for reasons only she could (or perhaps could not) understand – I don’t know who she is or what she’s been through and I don’t know what it’s like to date a gorgeous younger man, but it mustn’t be easy. In fact, it probably sucks, or she wouldn’t have tried to maim me. I imagine that a lot of energy is wasted fighting to maintain her status as the woman with the handsome beau, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I think it would be great if this woman gets to the point of accepting and appreciating herself for who she is so she won’t have to get aggressive when she perceives that someone is out to get what she’s got – i.e. changing her attitude, as Ric suggests – changing her attitude about herself.

A change in attitude will bring better relationships with others and with the self, strengthen personal confidence, and ultimately, it will save someone the shock of being on the receiving end of a bitch slap.